


Ashes to Ashes

by Sweet_Oblivion



Series: Phoenix [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Broken!Magnus, Depression, Dreams, F/M, Heartbreak, High Warlock of Alicante!Max, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loss, M/M, Malec, Oral Sex, Resurrection, Self-Harm, Vampire!Rafe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 14:34:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21648916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Oblivion/pseuds/Sweet_Oblivion
Summary: Magnus and Alec always knew they wouldn't have forever, but what happens when Magnus has to face a life without his Alexander? How will he cope? How will he find happiness again?
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane & Isabelle Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Max Lightwood-Bane, Magnus Bane & Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Magnus Bane & Tessa Gray, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Phoenix [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668367
Comments: 112
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic ever, so go easy on me! Also, English is not my native language and this was not beta read.  
I hope you enjoy!

Magnus laid in bed cocooned between his bed covers, starting to feel the pull of sleep. Falling asleep in an empty bed has been a hard job ever since he and his Alexander started living together. He got so used to the warm body next to his, that the absence of it makes him turn in bed until his eye can’t stay open anymore and he falls asleep from exhaustion.   
  
Tonight, is no different and Magnus is sure it is way past midnight when he finally starts to give in to sleep. Alec had a night patrol - like he usually does – and even though they have been married for over a decade, Magnus could never get used to his absence.   
  
After tossing and turning, Magnus doesn’t know how long has passed when he hears noise coming from outside the bedroom. A door closing, a thump and another thump – Alec discarding his combat boots by the door – some almost imperceptible footsteps to the bedroom door and then finally the door opens and closes.   
  
The air becomes warmer in the room, or maybe it’s just Magnus who gets warm inside with joy, and he can’t help but grin when he hears Alec stripping of his clothes to get in bed. Magnus doesn’t want to move inside that comfortable, warm cocoon, but he knows his shadowhunter is cold, because the cold November air is ruthless in New York, so he moves to the side when Alec lifts the covers to lay down, giving him the spot he had heated throughout the night.   
  
Alec lays down with a pleasured moan when he feels the warm sheets around his body and pulls Magnus close, gluing his bare back to his own bare chest. Magnus’s body is warm and Alec’s is ice cold. Magnus shivers, but he doesn’t pull away. Alec’s temperature could be bellow zero and he would never pull away from him, especially since he spent such a restless night before his man arrived. Reaching behind Alec’s neck, he cocked his head back, eyes still closed, and pulled him in for a kiss. Their lips barely touched at first, just sharing reassuring warm breaths and then Magnus couldn’t hold himself anymore, he pushed his heel against the mattress in an attempt to get closer to his lover and deepened the kiss, biting Alec’s bottom lip and then sliding his tongue inside. Alec moaned in his ear and met his tongue in a fight for dominance. A few hours without the love of his life were enough for Magnus to feel desperate. He knew Alec was a strong shadowhunter, one of the best of his generation, but he still feared that something would happen to him and their already short time together would be reduced because of some accident that took the other man’s life too soon. Possessed by the need to be closer to his man, Magnus grinded his ass against Alec’s crotch causing both of them to moan. The already half-hard cock only covered by the thin material of boxers rubbing against his waiting bare ass was almost too much for Magnus. He wanted Alec so much. He needed Alec so much. So much closer. All of him. Every. Single. Part. Of. Him. The warlock couldn’t remember ever feeling so needy, but the thought of losing Alec always made him feel desperate.   
  
“Please, baby. Please, touch me” Magnus pleaded and Alec complied. He wrapped one arm around Magnus waist and the other hand tugged gently on his hair, asking for better access to his neck, which was eagerly conceded. A warm tongue slid over the sensitive skin behind the warlock’s ear and then delicate teeth bite on his earlobe. Magnus moaned and with one arm reached for Alec’s ass to pull him closer and rolled his hips for good measure. The cloth between them was too much and with a flick of his hand, the warlock made it disappear. The moment he felt Alec’s engorged flesh between his cheeks, Magnus thought he was going to come untouched, but managed to hold his composure. Alec kept on teasing his throat and nape relentlessly with wet kisses, flicks of tongue and tender bites.   
  
“My love, please take me. Get inside me or I’ll come untouched and I really need to feel you closer. All of you” was the plea Magnus let out, now even more desperate. In all his hundreds of years he had never felt so soul-bared and needy as he felt with his husband. Alec meant so much to him. He was his first and only husband, the father of his two beautiful boys and the love of his very, very long life. Although Magnus could not deny he had felt love a few times before Alexander was even born, none of those times it had gotten even close to the love he felt now, for this man who was sharing his bed, his life, his heart.   
  
With his heart full of love, Magnus let his hand fly to Alec’s hair and as if guessing what the warlock needed, he positioned his chin on his husband’s shoulder, rested his cheek on Magnus’s and put three of his fingers inside his own mouth. Magnus could not open his eyes, for he was sure he would break into tears if he did, but he felt Alec’s jaw moving while his tongue worked to get the fingers wet. He moaned just from the feeling of anticipation that set on the bottom of his stomach. With a slight pop, the fingers were released and within seconds Magnus felt one of them teasing his hole. He felt so needy that he didn’t think he could wait.   
  
“Baby, please just fuck me. I want to feel all of it, tonight. All that you can give me. No fingers. Give me all you have” with a flick of his fingers, the warlock lubed up his hole to speed up the process. Magnus knew this was not a weird request for his husband, for he liked to feel the reassuring pain of his Alexander’s presence inside him when he felt like this.   
  
With one shallow thrust, Alec complied. Magnus moaned and felt his eyes travelling to the back of his head. The pain radiated deliciously out his hole in every direction and he felt alive again. His husband was there, buried balls deep inside him and that was all he ever wanted.   
  
“I won’t last long. Move” Magnus demanded and his lover complied. A couple more shallow thrusts and then he started to speed up, thrusting hard into his husband causing him to moan loudly. After only a couple minutes they were both coming hard shaking in each other’s arms. Magnus still had his hand in his husband’s hair and was now pulling on it hard, driving Alexander insane with pleasure and causing him to pull his shaking lover closer to keep releasing his seed deep inside him. The warmth inside himself, soothed the warlock’s aching heart. They were both panting and stayed like that for a few minutes, coming down from their high.   
  
When their breathing evened, Magnus turned and kissed Alexander deeply, conveying all his love with one long, lazy kiss.   
  
“I love you, Alexander”. When the answer didn’t come, the warlock opened his eyes expecting to find his beautiful husband sleeping, but all he found was an empty, cold bed.

For a blissful second, Magnus thought maybe Alec had gone to the bathroom, but then reality hit him like a ton of bricks: Alexander hadn’t gone to the bathroom because he has been dead for almost 30 years. As it happened every day when he woke up, Magnus felt his already broken-beyond-repair heart break into one more piece. The love of his life was gone and he would never be whole again.

Tears fell down his cheeks and he felt all the warmth from the dream leave his body in a split second. No amount of years would ever ease the pain of reality and after almost 30 years, Magnus thought he was done with the pain.

He had lived longer than was natural, longer than acceptable and maybe it was time for it to end. One can only live for so long before life becomes too much.

He sat in bed, brought his knees to his chest and cried the way he does every morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus goes down memory lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... I am waaay too excited to wait another day before uploading, so I'm giving you another chapter today! Hope you like it.

Magnus was still sitting in bed, facing the space where Alec had been in his dream. He hadn't moved a muscle and it had probably been hours since he woke up. He didn't have any more tears to cry, but he didn’t have the energy to move, either.

His head was full of thought, full of doubts, full of memories. Maybe the years were catching up to him, finally. He hadn’t felt lucid in a long time, but his head was getting more and more clouded every day. Every single one of his thoughts was covered by a cloud of darkness.

Magnus knows all the theory: he has to get out of bed; he has to move on with his life; he has loved before Alec and he will love again; he has his sons to take care of; he has friends and he has a family who needs him to be himself. To be his normal self.

But does he really?

***

25 years ago, Magnus abdicated his role as High Warlock of Alicante and his son Max was elected just a couple weeks ago, after the last High Warlock gave up his functions. Max would take over in a week, after a party for the community to meet him.

Magnus was incredibly proud of his son, who he was sure would be perfect for the role, despite his young age. Max was a very powerful Warlock as well as a great diplomat. They might not share DNA, but he definitely learned from his dads.

Tears started rolling down Magnus's face when he thought of all the ways his son reminded him of his Alexander, of all the memories of the four of them together what felt like ages ago. Alec, Magnus, Max and Rafe had had many happy times together, but Magnus couldn't help but think Alec was taken away from them way too soon. He had only been 42 when a man took him by surprise on his way to work and shot him right in the head.

They had had a fight that morning. A stupid, idiotic fight about what they would have for dinner that night and Magnus had always believed his husband's death was his fault, because stubborn Alexander hadn't allowed him to portal him to work and had preferred to walk. Magnus couldn't help thinking it was his fault Alec was distracted and didn't activate his invisibility rune or that he didn’t see the man coming for him. Magnus couldn't help thinking Alec died because of him and the guilt was almost as consuming as grief.

That fateful day, when the warlock opened the door to find Izzy and Jace with eyes full of tears, he knew before they even spoke that he would never see and kiss and touch his husband ever again. He would never get to make the goddamn spinach lasagna he had wanted - he would give everything to be able to cook that good forsaken dish for his man again. He would never sleep with his husband again. Magnus broke into pieces that day. Not only his heart, but all of his being, his soul. He was broken beyond repair and as he fell to his knees, unable to stand anymore, he cried. He cried like a baby and all he remembers is crawling on the couch, lay on fetal position and two hands squeezing his shoulders and then he cried until he fell asleep due to exhaustion. 

That remained, until this day, the worst day of his life. He didn't even get 20 years with his Alexander. How could the world be so unfair and cruel? Was Magnus really such a bad person that he didn’t even deserve a long, happy life with the person he loved the most in the world?

Magnus woke up to the sound of the front door being open by his two sons coming back from mundane school - the school they both had chosen to go to, despite neither of their parents being mundane. Magnus was so proud of them for following their own path.

If getting the news was hard, telling his teen sons that their dad had just died, was hell.

When the door opened and both boys came in, Magnus tried to smile and told them to sit down. Jace and Izzy were no longer in the loft, so he would have to do this alone.

The two boys sat on the loveseat while Magnus sat on the coffee table and looked at their expectant faces. It wasn't weird for them that Alec was not home, for he always came just before dinner, so they never expected the news they were about to get.

"What's going on? What do you want to tell us?" Max started.

"Your father..." Magnus broke, the knot in his throat keeping him from saying another word, almost choking him to death. How he wished death would just take him too...

Then he looked at his two boys, both with tears in their eyes, already anticipating what had happened. "I'm sorry" Magnus just sobbed uncontrollably, unable to keep it together for the kid's sake. Max and Rafe hugged him and they stayed like that, all of them mourning their loss with tears.

Magnus knew then that he had to be strong for their sons. The sons he and his Alexander always loved so unconditionally and he couldn't avoid a dark thought that crossed his mind: Rafe was a Shadowhunter, like his dad. He too wasn't immortal and would eventually die, even if of old age, and the warlock felt his heart break into a million pieces again.

***

Magnus, now sitting in bed with his head resting against the headboard, still recovering from his vivid dream, felt more thankful than ever that Rafe had fallen in love with a vampire girl and had decided he wanted to be turned to stay with her forever.

How he wishes he had been as lucky…

***

Rafe and Samantha had met a few months after Alec died, in a bar somewhere. When Rafe met her, he couldn't even bare to look at her, for she represented the immortality his dad never chose to accept.

For years, Rafe blamed Alec for not becoming a vampire in order to stay with Magnus forever. Blamed him for knowing the pain his death would cause him, his brother and his papa and doing nothing about it. Rafe himself was mortal and had been born a shadowhunter, but chose to live among the mundane, carrying his stele and seraph blade everywhere, but never working for an institute or the clave.

He killed a demon every time he saw one, but after his father was killed by a man, he decided he wanted to be a police officer, for humans could be as deathly as demons and someone had to stop them.

Raphael had vowed to never fall in love with someone immortal, because he could not bare the thought of his death causing so much pain to a lover. He knew that when he died, he would hurt Magnus and Max, but they would have each other. Until he met Samantha and got to know her, he never thought he would want to live forever, never thought he would have a reason to.

But the day he saved a teenage boy from dying after being stabbed in a street fight - his first night on the force - by taking him to the nearest hospital in the back of his police car, he saw that beautiful woman he saw once, years ago in a bar, working the night shift at the hospital and something clicked inside him.

Her beautiful red hair glowing under the bright hospital lights, her beautiful grey eyes shinning from the smile she was giving the man sitting on the hospital bed and the way her white lab coat hugged her petit body made his heart skip a beat and he knew he was gonne. He had heard his papa tell the story of how he and dad met enough times to recognize the symptoms.

He waited in the hospital to hear news about the stabbed boy who had needed na emergency surgery due to a perforated lung and who they hadn't been able to identify yet and also to look at the beautiful almost-stranger.

When he saw the woman walk towards the coffee machine in one of the hallways, he decided to follow her.

"These nights never get easier" the woman said as soon as he approached her while she was getting coffee from the machine. "I know those runes, officer. What is a shadowhunter doing dressed as a mundane officer?"

"Well, some shadowhunters choose to live as mundanes. It's not that strange" Rafe replied.

"I beg to differ. It is strange to me. Never thought a mighty shadowhunter with angel blood in their veins would choose to live among the mundanes."

Rafael shrugged. "Blood never meant much to me. Daddy was a shadowhunter and Papa is a warlock. Never knew my biological parents, so blood is just what keeps my organs alive." Realizing what he said, his eyes opened wide, "shit, I'm sorry! You're a vampire! I shouldn't be talking about blood."

The doctor let out a loud, amused laugh. "Well, I'm also a doctor, so I know how to deal with blood."

Feeling something click in his brain, Rafael asked, "yeah, how do you do that? How do you deal with all the blood here?"

"Well, since you shared your story, I guess I might as well share mine. Good thing I’m on my break," she said with a giggle, while leaning on the nearest wall.

Rafael followed her and leaned his shoulder against the wall, facing her. "Yeah, I'm glad you're on break. I still have a few hours to kill before I get news from the boy I brought in."

"I don't have a few hours, but I'll keep you company for now,” she replied with a warm smile. “So, around 15 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage IV brain cancer and was told that I would have few weeks to live. I didn't want to die. I love life too much and one of the doctors saw that and offered to turn me into a vampire. He was a vampire working as a doctor to give a solution to the people who didn't want to die. I accepted and after about 10 years learning to control my hunger and going to med school at night, I became a doctor. There are a lot of us working in the offices in this hospital, so it is easy to get the night shifts only. I am happy here, making my second chance in life count," she said looking Rafael in the eyes and smiled. "I'm Samantha, by the way. I guess I should have started with that."

Rafael let out a loud laugh. "Raphael."

"I know. I remember you."

Rafael looked at her with shock in his eyes. "You do?! It's been four years!"

"Well, it seems I'm not the only one who remembers" she said shily.

For the first time in his life, Rafael felt a blush crawl up his cheeks. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to gather courage he asked, "would you like to go out with me?"

"I thought you would never ask" Samantha answered with a smile.

The rest, as they say, is history. About ten years ago, Rafael told Magnus he had found a reason to live forever and that Samantha would turn him that night.

In that moment, Magnus felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders: he would never lose neither of his sons to old age. He would always have them to keep him company. He wouldn't have to add any more pain to his already aching heart.

That night, Magnus went with his son and kissed his forehead before they started the process for him to be reborn forever. While they waited for Rafe to come out of his grave, he saw Samantha cry and he couldn't help thinking "how amazing must it be to know the person you love will stay with you forever?"

A pang of jealousy invaded Magnus and he felt ashamed for it, but he couldn't help miss his Alexander and in that moment he felt a bit of resentment towards him for not having done for him what his son did for Samantha. He knew Rafe didn't value his angel blood the way Alec did, but he couldn't change what he felt.

When his son crawled out of the dirt, he felt his heartache ease a bit.

***

Magnus was considering his options, now. Tomorrow Magnus will have lived 30 years without Alexander. Although, if he really thought about it, he hadn’t lived a single day after his death; he had survived.

Being a warlock meant dealing with death and loss. When someone lives for centuries, there is no escaping losing loved ones. If it ever gets easier? It does not. Magnus thought that by now he would welcome death has he would an old friend, but he doesn’t. Or maybe he would, if it was his own, but it never is.

The first few years after his husband died, Magnus dedicated his life to his sons. He raised and took care of them until both moved out of the house. It hadn’t been easy back to deal with losing Alec back then, but being busy made it somewhat easier.

However, after they both moved out and had their lives on track, Magnus felt lost, without a purpose. What would he do with his life then? He tried going back to work and taking clients again, but his energy was always running so low from lack of seep that he couldn’t do most of the spells the clients required without getting depleted. That had never happened to him before, but then again nothing like this happened before either. He had never lost a husband, he had never had his kids moving on with their lives without him, he had never experienced the restless nights that loneliness and a cold bed provided him.

When Catarina visited him a couple weeks after Max moved out, he was drained, laying on the couch with every light off and eyes glassy, staring at a wall. He wasn’t sure how long he had stayed there, but he knew he didn’t smell very well and his back hurt from laying down.

“Oh, Magnus! Why haven’t you called me?” Catarina kneeled by the couch and took a strand of hair from his face and then proceeded to scan his health with her magic. “Have you been burying yourself in work, to be so depleted,” she asked?

“What day is today?”

“Thursday.”

“Then I haven’t worked since Monday. A client required a potion and I managed to do it, but the second she walked out, I fell on the couch and haven’t been able to move since,” he said, now moving his eyes to look into hers. His eyes were bloodshot and glassy, but they looked so lost that Catarina felt her heart break for him.

Catarina got up and started opening the curtains and windows. The air was heavy inside the loft and the fresh air was blessing, but it did nothing for Magnus, who had his eyes fixated back on the wall. She snapped her fingers and he felt his clothes being replaced and his body becoming clean.

“Come on, get up! We are going out for dinner. Imagine if it was Max or Rafe that found you like this. You can’t keep going like this. You have got to make a bigger effort,” she reprehended.

“Even breathing is too much of an effort, Cat! How can I even get the energy to move? All I want is to be sucked into the earth and never come back. I don’t know how to live anymore. I never felt so lonely.” Tears were falling down his cheeks and his eyes were a clear mirror of his pain. “While I had a purpose, it was kind of easy, but now…” He sobbed without even trying to contain it.

Catarina hugged him without saying a word for there was nothing she could say to take his pain away. “I know. I know it hurts, but you have to be strong for your kids. They need you. They lost him too. They hurt too. They can’t lose you too.”

Magnus looked up at her and she saw something changing in his eyes. The message had gotten to him.

“I will make a potion to help you get better sleep. That will help with your magic.”

“Thank you,” he said with what was supposed to be a smile.

Those words had helped him immensely back then. He had gotten a semblance of a normal life. He still cried himself to sleep and only got out of bed when he really had to, but to the outside world, he seemed normal enough. He managed to deceive everyone ever since that day. He still dressed all in black and makeup stopped being part of him, but no one ever knew how much he kept struggling with his pain, how much of his life was just for pretend and maybe he should try to reach for help, but the thought of joining his husband in afterlife is so much more appealing. So much easier. His kids are grown-ups and are living their own lives. No one is going to miss him too much or hurt too much. Right?

_ Right? _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tries to move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I changed the first 3 chapters of this story, because I was not happy with it! Hope you like the changes.
> 
> The song "Track of my Tears" fits this chapter perfectly. My favorite version is the one Adam Lambert sang on American Idol.
> 
> Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_f9_dsYP4

_People say I'm the life of the party_  
_'Cause I tell a joke or two_  
_Although I might be laughin' loud and hardy_  
_Deep inside I'm blue_

_So take a good look at my face_  
_You see my smile looks out of place_  
_If you look closer it's easy to trace_  
_The tracks of my tears_

_I need you (need you)_  
_Need you (need you)_

* * *

For Magnus, the days all felt the same. The pain wouldn't leave his heart for a second. He had his heart broken many times during his long life, but Alexander Lightwood didn't break his heart, he broke his soul, his whole being.

Magnus always knew his husband's death would hurt like hell, but he never imagined that after 30 years he would still feel this broken, this dead inside.

In a few weeks, Alec would have turned 72 if he was still alive. Most people lived that long and sometimes even longer and yet, it had been almost 30 years since he died...

Every year, Magnus took the week of Alec's death off. He worked taking clients now. Easy things like potions and easy spells. He didn't have the energy for much more than that - because he could hardly ever get close to enough sleep, in spite of the sleeping potion he took every night - and he didn't really need the money, so it was more of way to keep entertained and to keep his mind from wandering too much, than a way to make money.

However, this was a week he took to cry, to mourn his loss. 30 years and his pain hadn't eased a single bit, but his body had gotten so used to it, that he just felt numb most of the times. Nothing made him happy anymore - he was happy for other's happiness, but it was never the kind of happiness that warmed his heart. Nothing made him sad anymore - it was like the sadness inside him was the biggest amount of sadness his body could take.

When Rafael was turned, he felt something change, he felt lighter. The pain didn't subside but he started feeling strong enough to get a little closer to who he used to be.

He started using make up again, dressing in colorful clothes, going to parties and even started smiling when he was out, but as soon as he got inside his empty apartment - the apartment he had once shared with Alec and their sons, where they had millions of amazing memories together - he let the mask drop.

He had thought about moving. Moving out of the loft, moving out of state, moving out of the country, or even move to another continent, but he didn’t think that would make anything easier. The loft was full of good memories and even though he received the worst news of his life there, it was his home. The home he created with his husband. The home of his family.

***

_ 9 years ago _

Magnus had his first date since Alec died. His heart still told him it was way too soon, but his brain and everyone else around him told him it's been 20 years, so it was time he got back out there.

He had thought about it, he couldn't deny it. He missed having human contact. Missed having sex. Missed being loved and wanted. He could never miss loving or wanting someone, because he still loved and wanted Alec, but he could be selfish and ask for what he wasn't willing to give, right?

Maybe if he pretended to love and want someone long enough, he would really want them. Probably never love them, but maybe like them, being willing to share his life with them. Who knew?

It took him a long time to make up his mind and decide to go on a date. It was a long process. His brain kept wondering if it was too unfair to use someone like that, because Magnus was not even slightly willing to open up his heart for anyone, but he needed to try to move on.

So... he decided to take a chance and set a date _eventually_.

Then he had to decide if it should be a man or a woman. He knew he wouldn't be dating someone because he had feelings for them, after all. He hadn't had sex with a woman in a very long time. It's not that he missed it per se, but maybe it would be fun to do something different.

Also, he couldn't imagine doing with someone else what he did with his Alexander. That would be way too painful.

_ Unless _... 

What if he chose a man who looked like Alec? Maybe he could close his eyes and pretend it was him for just a couple hours. That would be too mean, even if it might work to ease his pain. That was not an option.

Then, he'd go on a date with a woman. He didn't think he could deal with being with a man right now.

Now that that was out of the way, remained one question: who?

For the last year, Magnus had gone to several parties to keep his put together, dealing with his grief appearance. He had met a lot of people, had had a lot of men and women hitting on him, but it never did anything for him. No one ever caught his attention.

On one of those parties, Cat had introduced him to a Russian model who was exactly his type. Dark hair, blue eyes, pretty face. She hadn't tried too hard to get Magnus' attention and she had respected his personal space, only touching him to kiss his cheek goodbye. In the end, he had decided to ask her on a date.

A couple of days later, Magnus found himself taking her - Nadja - to a nice restaurant in the outskirts of NYC. It went well, they had a lot in common and he got the feeling that she was also somehow heartbroken. 

This could work.

His brain wouldn't give him so much trouble if he knew she was using him for the same thing he was using her, so why not?

After dinner, Magnus took her home, like the gentleman he was. He opened the door for her and signed the taxi driver to wait while he walked her to the door of her apartment. 

She smiled. "Thank you for dinner. I haven't had such a nice night in a long time."

"You're welcome. I enjoyed it as well."

Neither of them tried to move away from each other, but neither moved closer either, just looking at each other like the other understood perfectly what the other felt. They could see the emptiness inside the other's eyes.

"Would you like to come inside?" Nadja asked hesitantly. 

That caught Magnus by surprise. He surely wasn't expecting her to try to have sex on the first date, but what did he really have to lose? He had already lost what he wanted to keep forever. He couldn't come out of this even more broken, so why the hell not? "Sure." He paid the taxi driver and sent him away.

They walked quietly to the elevator, but when they stepped inside and the doors closed, Nadja walked to Magnus and stood flush against him. Her perfume filled his nostrils and she was breathing millimeters away from his mouth. Once upon a time, this would have turned Magnus on. Now, it only made him nervous and a bit uncomfortable. 

Nonetheless, he put his hand on her hips and kissed her cheek, because he already expected it to feel weird to him. She smiled and started kissing and biting his neck. Magnus closed his eyes, trying to enjoy it.

By the time the elevator got to her floor, they were both already panting, but somehow their mouths had stayed away from each other's, like neither of them was ready for that kind of intimacy. They both knew the sex would be meaningless and so neither of them tried to make it seem otherwise.

As soon as they were both inside, Nadja pushed Magnus against the door and got on her knees, surprising him. His heart told him to push her away. He was not ready for this. He was not ready to have a mouth that was not Alec's on him, but he forced himself to close his eyes and try to relax. "It's been 20 god damn years!" he told himself.

Nadja looked at him, as if asking for permission. He nodded hesitantly and she unbuttoned and unzipped his pants with an equal amount of hesitation, pulling them, as well as his purple boxer-briefs down to his knee. His cock was flaccid, not even slightly affected by the beautiful woman staring at it.

Magnus knew any other man would be standing proud to have such a beautiful woman on her knees, about to take them in her mouth, but he felt nothing of the sort. He tried to focus and a second after, Nadja's mouth was around him, warm and wet and he still felt nothing.

Nadja started moving, bobbing her head up and down, like an expert, using the perfect amount of tongue in all the right places. She continued for longer than any normal woman would, given the circumstances and then she looked at Magnus flesh, still as soft as it had been when she started.

She looked at Magnus with an eyebrow raised and he couldn't hold it in anymore. He broke down on the floor, still with his pants and underwear pulled down and cried.

He hadn't cried in front of anyone for over 19 years, always holding it in and smiling, but at this moment, it was too much. Alexander had broken him. Not only his heart. Not only his soul. But also his body. He couldn't even get it up anymore, for fuck's sake!

Nadja sat next to Magnus and hugged him for the longest time, not making a sound. After what could have been hours, she took his hand. "Come sit with me. The floor is cold and uncomfortable."

Magnus stood up, almost on autopilot, and followed her after fixing his clothes.

"I'm sorry. The problem is not you, I swear. You're beautiful and this shouldn't be a problem, but I guess I'm just broken in that way too." Magnus said, choking on a sob.

"It's ok, sweetie. I guess it was too fast. I was just desperate to try and move on and I thought this would help me. It's been two years since that asshole left me and I still can't get over him. You're so handsome and so nice and friendly that I thought maybe I could do this." Nadja said with teary eyes. "I'm sorry I used you."

Magnus chuckled, still holding his own tears in. "Well, I'm sorry I tried to use you and failed miserably."

That night, when Magnus got home after a few hours of him and Nadja crying in each other's shoulders, he decided that enough is enough. He needs to feel something again. He can't keep on being this empty shell anymore and if he used a razor blade to make a few deep cuts in his thighs no one will ever know. And if that made him feel something for the first time in over a decade, he will never tell. Alexander broke his heart.

Alexander broke his soul. Alexander broke his body. But now he could feel again.

It wasn't much, but the pain reminded him he was alive, even if he was no longer living.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this happened! Leave feedback on the comment section!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds a way to cope that makes him feel better, maybe even happy. Until it doesn't anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger-warning. Self-harm in this chapter

_Guess it was not meant to be_   
_But it's not as bad as it seems_   
_It only burns when I breathe, yeah_

_You saw the way that I fell_   
_But I'm better off by myself_   
_That's the tale I like to tell, yeah_

_But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye_   
_And everything in me wants you back in my life_

_Can't let you go_   
_Can't let you go, oh_

_It feels like the dawn of the dead_   
_Like bombs goin' off in my head_   
_Never a moment of rest, yeah_

_Nothing kills more than to know_   
_That this is the end of the road_   
_And I know I gotta let go, oh_

* * *

After the fiasco that was his date with Nadja, Magnus swore off dating until he felt really prepared.

For a few months, Magnus felt fine. Cutting provided him with the escape he needed. It didn’t ease the pain for long, but the physical pain made him forget the pain of his loss for a few minutes and that was more than he could ever get before, so it was great for a while. His mind was not so cloudy and foggy all the time, anymore. He slept better after making a few cuts across his skin before bed. He would dream of happy memories and he was happy in his sleep.

When he woke up, the story was a whole lot different, but it was worth it while it lasted, so Magnus came up with an idea: he took the sleeping potion Catarina gave him, made a few cuts and went to sleep. When he woke up, he took one client (that was all he could take without getting depleted), then took the sleeping potion again, cut again and back to sleep. He had no sleeping schedule whatsoever, he just slept as much as he could to enjoy the most time possible in memory lane. 

Magnus got to the point of not being so sad when he woke up because he knew he would go back to sleep soon and dream of Alexander again.

He knew he was on a path to self-destruction, he knew he should eat more often and that cutting is not what healthy people do, but he couldn’t make himself care. All he wanted was to get Alec back and in his sleep, he got that.

For a while, that was enough. Until it wasn’t anymore. Alexander was like his drug and he always wanted more and more and more. His body was getting sore from spending so many hours in bed and his once fit, muscled body, was now weak and thin.

Every week he had Rafe, Samantha and Max over for dinner, because family never stopped being important. He would put his best poker face on and cook dinner and they would have fun. Never for a second did his kids get suspicious. Magnus was good at putting on a front. Too good for his own sake.

During one of those dinners, he watched his kids. Samantha and Rafe were so happy together, they reminded Magnus of himself and Alec. The love between them was palpable. Max was more like Magnus, more carefree, more eccentric, more the way Magnus used to be before finding Alexander. Max had the same walls around his heart that Magnus used to have, even though he was never in love before. Magnus never met one of Max's lovers, even though he knew his son had many, and he never pushed him on the subject, because he knew Max would get there when the time came. But Max was happy. He was a young warlock with full control of his magic, incredibly talented in almost everything – a great healer, a great warder, a great potion maker – with the world at his feet. He was travelling the world, getting to know people, finding the good things in life. Being a Warlock gave him something most people didn’t have: infinite time.

He had no hurries to find love or a job or settle down. He had no need for any of it, because he had a long, long time ahead of him. Magnus saw a lot of himself in his son and he smiled, because no one at the table was related by blood and still, they were so alike each other. These were his sons and his daughter-in-law (that was almost a daughter at this point, after so many years) and they were happy with their lives and Magnus felt he had raised them well. Magnus felt that his job as a father was successful and that it was done. A sense of relief flooded him and he knew he was ready. He was ready to join his love. He was ready to move on. To move on to the afterlife.

After dinner, he hugged his sons tighter than usual, and kissed Samantha's forehead, for she had given him the best present he could ever get without even knowing – his son’s happiness – and he said goodbye to them with a smile on his lips.

That night, he took the whole flask of the sleeping potion and a couple more he had in his working studio that he wasn’t even sure what were for. He laid in bed and looked to the ceiling with a smile on his face.

“Wait for me, Alexander. I’ll see you again soon.” He felt lighter than he had in decades and he closed his eyes ready for eternal sleep.

On the nightstand was a note:

_Rafe and Max,_   
_You gave me more than I could ever have asked for, but my time has come. I’ve lived for too long and life no longer tastes sweet._   
_Be happy and keep love close to you, for it is irreplaceable. _

_All the love,_   
_Your Papa._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus feels loved again for the first time in over two decades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-harm again on this chapter. May be triggering. Read with caution.

_We know full well there's just time_   
_So is it wrong to toss this line?_   
_If your heart was full of love_   
_Could you give it up?_

_'Cause what about, what about angels?_   
_They will come, they will go, make us special_

_Don't give me up_   
_Don't give_   
_Me up_

_How unfair, it's just our love_   
_Found something real that's out of touch_   
_But if you'd searched the whole wide world_   
_Would you dare to let it go?_

_'Cause what about, what about angels?_  
_They will come, they will go, make us special - _Birdy

* * *

Magnus woke up on his side, feeling a warm body behind him and loving arms around his body. He felt lost in his mind and he didn’t know what day it was or what had happened. He felt something sour coming up his throat and then he was vomiting a dark liquid.

He embraced the warmth around himself and he felt safe for the first time in decades. Felt a presence he hadn’t felt in over 20 years, a hand pressing against his forehead as if checking his temperature and then securing a lock of hair behind his ear. 

Magnus remembered taking the potions, remembered wanting to join Alexander and he felt he had succeeded, if the warmth on his back and the loving hand on his forehead were any indication. His vision was foggy and his mind wasn’t all that clear – it hasn’t been in a long while – but he thought maybe he was in heaven. Sure a downworlder would never go to heaven, but maybe the angels had mercy on his poor broken and allowed him what he wanted so badly – the man he loved so much by his side in the afterlife.

But what if it was the other way around? What if he was in hell and Alec had followed him down there after seeing him so broken? He could not have that! His husband was a shadowhunter, angel-blooded, they couldn’t do that to him! He looked back in panic, desperate to ask Alexander what was happening, where they were, anything that would give him answers, but all he saw was his room, filled with a bright light and he felt himself panic. He still felt all the warmth and love around himself, but he saw nothing. His breathing became erratic and he felt panic filling his mind, but suddenly a wave of warmth started growing from within and felt the kind of love only his Alexander could ever give him and he was flooded with calm. He closed his eyes and fell asleep with his husband's name reverently falling from his lips. 

* * *

  
His head was hammering when he opened his eyes and the air reeked of bile fluid, sour and stinky. 

Magnus was sleeping on his side, in a pool of his own vomit and he felt his heart sink. He had not died. He took all those horrible potions and he had not died. If he felt useless before, now he felt ten times worse. He wasn’t even good enough to kill himself. How could he even fail at that?

He felt himself sob, desperate to finally start feeling better, but all he felt was a heaviness in his chest, he felt full of pain and sorrow and grief and he just wanted to vomit all those feelings along with the damn useless potions.

Bringing his knees to his chest, still laying in his own vomit, he cried. What a miserable existence, this was. How could someone survive something like this? How had he survived?

His mind cleared a little and he remembered his dream. He remembered the warmth, the bright light. Was he delusional enough to dream that Alec had saved him? Was his brain that messed up? Or... 

Alexander was always a good person, he always took care of everyone around him. Was it such a far-fetched idea that he would continue to do the same after his death? Maybe it hadn’t been a dream. Surely his brain wouldn’t make up something like that...

But he was desperate to feel Alexander, so it was possible his brain made that all up. On the other hand, he was also desperate to die, to move on from this life and that hadn’t happened either.

The more Magnus thought, the more confused he felt.

One thing was for sure: after 20 years, he still couldn’t remember his husband’s voice. Sure, he had videos and recording, but the digitalized voice had nothing on the real thing, on the words he used to hear murmured on his ears or the laugh he would bring out of his husband. He could remember every single thing about his love, but not his voice, never his voice. All he wanted to hear was an “I love you" in the voice of the man he loved the most, but not even his dreams could do that.

Magnus sobbed uncontrollably, desperate to feel better, to feel happy again, to feel warm again. He had felt warm in his dream, so _maybe_...

Syrely, if Alec had saved him that one time, he would save him again if he tried to commit suicide again, _right_?

There was only one way to find out. He had nothing to lose anymore, so he got up, flicked his fingers to clean the bed and tidy the room and went to the bathroom to run himself a bath, blade on the foot of the bath. He was the master of his destiny. He would die on his own terms, or he would feel Alexander’s warmth again. What more could he ask for?

He washed his hair, his body, his face, his teeth. He wanted to look nice for Alexander. Or for whoever found him death. He wanted to look nice, so he washed himself before he grabbed the blade and pushed it into his left arm, making a cut from his wrist to the inside of his elbow. It was a deep cut and still he felt nothing anymore. No pain, no burn, no relief, not even guilt. So he took the blade on his left hand and did the same on his right arm before dropping the blade on the floor. Laying his arms on either side of the bath, he closed his eyes and embraced the dizziness the blood loss was causing him.

His magic was at the tip of his finger, ready to close the wounds, but Magnus felt exhausted, so his magic was too weak to do any damage to his attempt. He was good. He would not survive this and that was what he wanted. That was how it was supposed to be.

Eternal sleep was starting to claim Magnus when he felt loving lips on his arm. He opened his eyes in shock to find the cut on his left arm closing in front of his eyes. There was a warm hand holding his own and lips trailing kisses up his wrist, along his cut. He couldn’t see anything but a bright light, but he had no doubt he could feel it. His Alexander was there, saving him once more, kissing his wounds closed and filling his body with warmth.

Tears fell down Magnus' cheeks and he heard himself say, “Alexander, my love, you’re here.” The light glowed brighter and after the wound on the left arm was closed, the lips moved to do the same up the right harm.

“Baby, please, stay with me,” Magnus pleaded after he was all healed. In the blink of an eye, it was no longer the bathtub that was behind his back, but a warm body, holding him close and kissing the top of his head. Magnus felt his eyes closing and sleep claiming him just after strong arms wrapped around his body, moving him to bed.

"Stay with me forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another chapter. Let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, Magnus is happy, but for how long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning!

_Spend all your time waiting_  
_For that second chance_  
_For a break that would make it okay_

_There's always some reason_  
_To feel not good enough_  
_And it's hard at the end of the day_

_I need some distraction_  
_Oh, beautiful release_  
_Memories seep from my veins_

_Let me be empty_  
_Oh, and weightless, and maybe_  
_I'll find some peace tonight_

_In the arms of the angel_  
_Fly away from here_  
_From this dark, cold, hotel room_  
_And the endlessness that you fear_  
_You are pulled from the wreckage_  
_Of your silent reverie_  
_You're in the arms of the angel_  
_May you find some comfort here - Sarah McLachlan_

* * *

His eyes felt heavy with sleep, the way they feel when one sleeps longer than they should rather than when they don’t sleep enough. With a mind perfectly clear and a warm heart in his chest, Magnus felt content.

Even in his barely awake state, he remembered perfectly what happened and he had faded marks on both forearms to prove it, but he could still feel that warm presence against his back and strong arms holding him and let himself be for a little while longer.

He knew Alec was not physically there, but this was better than the whole bunch of nothing he had gotten so far, so he accepted it as the present from the Angel’s that it was and embraced it dearly.

Magnus lay on his side, a strong arm below his head, serving as a pillow, a warm, muscled chest against his back, a reassuring breath on the back of his neck and another arm draped over his hip. It wasn’t physical, but as long as he kept his eyes closed, he could pretend it was. The only proof that it wasn’t was the invisibility of it all, except for the bright light, so he kept his eyes closed and pushed his back against his husband’s chest.

“Alexander?” Magnus asked with a husky voice and he felt the body against him shiver.

The reassuring breath against his neck disappeared and he felt his heart constrict severely, but then there was a cheek against his own and the arms around him pulled him closer and his heart skipped a beat and then soared out of his chest. There were hot tears in his eyes, but they were the best kind of tears, - the happy kind of tears - and Magnus felt whole again, the hole in his soul being filled with the loving presence of his husband.

“Is it really you?” The head against his own moved up and down.

“So I’m not going crazy with loneliness and making this all up in my head?” The cheek retracted in a smile and then the head signaled a no.

“Will you stay with me now?” A signaled yes.

“Have you been looking over me and the boys?” Arms tightened around Magnus and a yes was signaled again.

“I miss you so much, my Alexander. I can’t remember your voice and it’s killing me,” Magnus whispered among tears. Alec put his forehead on the other man’s shoulder and a huff of air warmed his back, like a sob.

“I’m so sorry you died. It was all my fault! I was so stubborn and I didn’t offer to make you portal and I…” the Warlock broke in desperate sobs, feeling the guilt overwhelm him again. “I’m so, so sorry.” Alec's forehead rubbed sideways on his back desperately signaling a no, but Magnus continued, “we should have had so many more years together! We should still be together. I should have you for a little longer! Jace and Clary and Izzy and Simon are still around, why did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me so soon? Why, baby?” uncontrollable sobs filled the room and there were tears on Magnus' back. Alec was crying.

Magnus knew Alec was hurt by this too, that he didn’t want to die so young, that he wanted many more years with his family and it was all so unfair because he didn’t deserve to die! His Shadowhunter deserved the best in the world and he didn’t have the time to give him everything he deserved. It was soul chattering how unfair it all was, how hard it was to accept. But now they were together again, in this whole other realm that neither ever thought possible, but they were together and that was what mattered.

Lips were kissing Magnus neck and a moan filled the air. He hadn’t been touched for the only person he wanted touching him for so long that a simple kiss was almost too much. Magnus' cock twitched and it was glorious to feel it come back to life after so long. After the incident with Nadja, he thought it would never work again, but it was coming to life under Alexander’s loving hands and the lust inside the room was palpable. 

Magnus felt so desperate to feel loved again that he turned around in his lover's arms, eyes closed shut, and searched for lips that were connected to his own within seconds and it was a kiss wet with tears, but it was the kiss of Magnus' life. He never thought he would kiss these lips again, but here he was and it was just like it had always been – full of love and promise and reverence – and it spoke the words Alec's mouth couldn’t speak.

The kiss got heated very fast. The warlock being fully naked after his bath the previous night and angels shouldn’t have to wear clothes because they are not physically present, right? Magnus saw his questions being answered when a bare cock rubbed against his own and the moan that escaped his mouth was desperate and filthy. 

Caramel hands travelled down the angel's body to his ass and then they were kissing everywhere, trails of saliva being left on hot skin and then Magnus moved them and he was straddling Alec’s thighs.

_Lilith,_ how amazing it felt to be like this again. His hands filled the image his eyes couldn’t find and he worshipped the body below him with loving hands and wanting kisses until he took Alec in his mouth and _Oh God_, how amazing it was to taste that again. If there were any doubts in his mind that this was his Alexander, they were all gone now. No one could ever taste like that and a hum of pleasure escaped his throat without permission and there was no stopping them now. It had been too long. They were too lost in each other.

Feeling Alec shiver below him, Magnus started taking him further in his mouth, feeling the weight of it on his tongue, until the head of the cock was on his throat and he hummed again for there was precum leaking and he felt he was in heaven.

Suddenly, he was being pulled up, strong hand guiding him towards wanting lips. They kissed and kissed and kissed, grinding against each other. Magnus leaned his forehead against Alec’s. 

“Do you want to make love to me?” A frantic yes and a click of fingers. Lube appeared on Magnus’ hand and he coated his fingers before proceeding to open himself up. He hadn’t had sex in over 21 years and Lilith, how amazing it was to feel lust and to feel wanted again.

The kissing never stopped and it was followed by biting and sucking and licking and the smell of want and sex in the air made Magnus' heart soar. Never in the last 21 years did he think he would get this again with this perfect man below him.

Soon enough, he was open and ready and leaning back on his hand, he slid Alec's cock between his cheeks, teasing him and himself and it felt amazing. Magnus wanted his husband inside him, but he also wanted this to last as long as possible, keeping his cheeks involving Alec's cock until he couldn’t wait any longer and leaned forward before guiding the cock to his hole and sliding down onto it with a loud moan.

“Oh, angel, you feel so good. I can’t believe I get to have this again.”

Magnus wanted it to last and he wanted it to be sweet and loving, but it wasn’t. He was too lost in the feeling of it to hold back and so he rode Alec's dick like there was no tomorrow, strong hands on his hips guiding and grounding him while frantic and erratic breathing filled the air.

Few minutes after, a husky moan was heard and It was not Magnus'. Alec moaned when he came inside his husband and the simple sound, the first sound Magnus heard from the other's mouth in the last 21 years, pulled the warlock's orgasm from his body – spurt after spurt of cum leaving his untouched cock – and he collapsed on top of the body below him, searching for another kiss and then burying his face on the crook of Alec's neck where a feeling of being home flooded his heart.

“I missed you so, so much. I love you more than you will ever know, angel.” A kiss was pressed on top of his head and he let out a satisfied sound before he clicked his fingers to clean their mess.

“Will you leave me now?” Magnus asked in a small voice that pierced his own heart. Arms came around his body and he felt a head shaking against his own and he sighed hapilly.

“Will you stay with me forever, now?” The hug got tighter and “mhm" was heard and Magnus never imagined he could feel this happy again. He felt home. He felt alive. He felt _whole_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not the end of his fic! Stay tuned for more, soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds a way to speak to Alec and that is the right step to take. Isn't it?

_I, I'm I'm so in love with you_   
_Whatever you want to do_   
_Is all right with me_   
_Cause you make me feel so brand new_   
_And I want to spend my life with you_

_Let me say that since, baby, since we've been together_   
_Loving you forever_   
_Is what I need_   
_Let me, be the one you come running to_   
_I'll never be untrue_

_Oh baby_  
_Let's, let's stay together ('gether)_  
_Lovin' you whether, whether_  
_Times are good or bad, happy or sad_  
_Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah_  
_Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad _\- Al Green

* * *

For the following 5 years, Alec followed Magnus everywhere and helped him getting his life back on track – his sleeping schedule went back to normal, he started seeing the amount of clients he saw before his husband passed, started going to events more regularly and having friends over. The poker face no longer at use and the happiness in his face becane real.

A few weeks after the warlock tried to slit his wrists open, they discussed telling the kids about Alec being back, but the Shadowhunter was very firm on the shake of his head and the idea was discarded, even if Magnus didn’t understand why. But what did Magnus know? In all his centuries, he had never heard of anyone who lived with a dead person. Not a real case, anyway.

So, five years after that fateful day he did the only thing he could do: called Tessa.

They met on a nice coffee shop in Venice, by the canal. It was beautiful and Magnus loved having Alec by his side when he went to these kind of places - for years he hadn't been able to visit romantic cities, because it was painful for his heart.

He was sat opposite to Tessa on a small, square wood table, the angel somewhere close. Magnus couldn’t feel him, for the shiny light disappeared when they were in public, but he could feel his presence close.

“How are you, Magnus? It’s been too long,” tessa said with a smile. “You seem much better than when I saw you a few years ago.”

“I feel much better, for sure,” Magnus replied with a smile, but he didn’t meet her eyes, keeping his own on his coffe cup.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t go visit you sooner, but your pain just reminded me too much of my own,” Tessa whispered with sadness in her voice.

Magnus looked into her eyes and said, “I don’t blame you for that at all. There was a time the last thing I wanted was to see people anyway, so… I can’t even imagine what you feel after losing him for good like that.”

“What do you mean? You lost Alec too,” Tessa said with a confused frown.

Magnus covered his face with his hands. “There is something I need to talk to you about,” he clicked his fingers - creating a sound-proof, invisibility dome - propped his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands and looked her dead in the eye, to see her reaction. “Alexander is here. He has been with me for the last five years.”

Tessa’s face went from confused to horrified, to maniac laughinh. “Oh, Magnus, only you could ever make up such crazy ideas. I have lived for hundreds of years, I work in the spiral labyrinth and I have never heard something so ridiculous!” She cleaned a tear from the corner of her eye with the back of her hand.

Magnus kept looking at her, unimpressed. “That was definitely not the reaction I was expecting.” but it answered his question: she had not gone through the same with Will.

Suddenly, a bright light started glowing, gaining the form of Alec's body over the few seconds it took for him to be recognizable and then he walked to Tessa and put his hand on her shoulder.

In the 5 years Alec was on earth he had managed to impersonate the body he had had when alive and he was now a ghostly form of who he used to be. With time he learnt to make small sounds of approval, disapproval, pleasure and encouragement. No word had yet been said and Magnus still had not heard his voice. Alec tried, but it was never successful. 

Tessa’s mouth was wide open and her eyes comically wide. “How is this possible?”

“I have no idea. You never felt Will to be near you?” Magnus asked cautiously. 

“No. I think I would have noticed! How is this fair? How do you get to have him back and I didn’t?” she asked acusingly.

Magnus lowered his eyes. “I have no idea, Tessa. He came when I was in a really low place… when I tried to kill myself…” Pause and a deep breath. “Twice.” Tessa's face softened. 

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” she said apologetically.

Magnus ignored her. “It could also be because we had unfinished business. His death was so sudden that we never got to even think of saying goodbye. I don’t know and he can’t tell me, because he can’t talk.”

Tessa's eyes sparked and Magnus got a bit scared because he had seen that spark before and it didn’t always mean good things. “I have an idea! Last time I was in London I saw a store of a woman who said she could talk to the dead. Of course I didn’t think anything of it, except that she could see me when I was disguised. She had the vision. Do you think she would be worth a try?”

“How long ago did you see her?” Magnus asked, seeming to be considering her idea.

“Only a few years back. She should still be there.” She answered shrugging.

“Well, I suppose it’s worth a try. We have got nothing to lose.” Right?

* * *

Thirty minutes later, they were sitting around a round table with the telltale cristal ball in the centre. The room was very eccentric, with a lot of colored cloths hanging on the walls and a bead curtain in place of a door.

“Cat eyes, I know this looks too staged, but it is what mundanes expect when they come in here,” the woman said when she saw Magnus' suspicious face.

“I'm sorry, it’s just not what I expected,” Magnus replied embarrassed. 

“Who is the tall and handsome here with you?” She asked looking at one of the walls. Alec was invisible to both Tessa and Magnus, but she could see him somehow.

“That would be my husband.”

“Hm. How long ago did he die?” the woman asked.

“Twenty-six years.”

“And how long has he been on earth? His light is shinning too bright for it to be recent,” Magnus looked at her amazed.

“He has been with me for the last 5 years.”

“5 years? That’s way too long to be down here. How did he manage to come down?” she asked almost to herself.

“That’s kind of why we are here. We were wondering if we could maybe talk to him through you,” Magnus asked cautiously, almost shyly. His heart was beating almost out of his chest just from thinking he will speak to Alec again. Will he finally be able to hear is voice?

“Of course,” she said with a smile. “Could you maybe tell me your story before? I need to create a connection with the spirit in order to be able to become a vessel,” the woman explained.

And so Magnus told her everything. How they met, how their love was frowned upon, how Alec almost married a woman to please the people around him and above him in the clave and how he told them all a big fuck off by leaving Lydia at the altar and kissing him in front of everyone and how, after that, they loved each other unconditionally, got married and made their own family with two adopted boys who were the light of their eyes. Then he told her how he was murdered after that ridiculous fight and how Magnus fell down the hole after that, drowning in guilt and pain to the point of trying to kill himself twice. When he ended the story, he could swear he saw the woman cleaning tears from her eyes and Alexander was caressing his shoulder. Magnus took his hand and held it.

She cleared her throat, before she talked. “Okay, I think I feel connection enough.” She cleared her throat again, before she opened her arms on either side of her body and looked at the ceiling. “Alexander, I am here willingly offering myself as a vessel for you to talk to your husband using my body and my voice,” she said louder and more dramatically than necessary. The show was included in the price, he guessed.

Suddenly her eyes turned to the back of her head, becoming all white and she took a very deep breath. The hand on Magnus shoulder vanished.

“Only my husband calls me Alexander,” was the first thing the Shadowhunter said and Magnus felt a ping of disappointment for hearing the woman's voice instead of Alec's, but he laughed through his nose nonetheless. 

“Hello, darling. Please never change!” the warlock said with a smile. Tessa was looking between the two of them with an adoring smile on her face.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, as if he was seeing him for the first time. “I miss you so much and I love you so much too. You have no idea how hard it was to not be able to say it back every time you said it to me.”

“You didn't have to say it, baby. I can feel your love all the time,” Magnus whispered back. There was no reason for whispering, but the conversation was so intimate it felt wrong to speak louder.

“I have so much I want to say to you, I don’t even know where to start,” a silence. “My death was not your fault and I never, ever, even for a second thought it was!”

Magnus felt a tear roll down his face. He, himself, had no idea how much his heart needed to hear those words. It was freeing.

“And I’m so sorry I didn’t make a bigger effort to stay with you forever… Being a Shadowhunter was important to me and that’s part of the reason I didn’t think of a way to be made immortal, but also… Well, I thought since I was not your first love and since you always managed to overcome your lovers' loss, that you would be fine without me. I mean, I knew you would hurt, but I never thought you would suffer the way you did. I never thought I would hurt you and break you that much,” Alec said calmly, making sure his husband understood every word. Magnus only listened.

“The day you had that date… when you went up to her house…” Alec took a deep breath. “It hurt a lot, but I thought it was a good sign, that it was a sign that you would finally move on, but then that happened and that’s when I realized how much I broke you and I’m so sorry!” Tessa looked at Magnus quizzical, but he only shook his head in response, looking at his hands.

“Then, when you went home and cut, I started feeling different, I started feeling that need to do something to protect you, to make you feel better and I couldn’t, but then when you took the potions…” There was a silence in the room, only broke by Alec's sob.

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus whispered.

Alec shook his head, “it’s okay. You were depressed and feelins lost and it was all my fault because I couldn’t stay with you until I was old, like I planned.” Magnus opened his mouth to protest, but the Shadowhunter raised his finger to shut him up.

“I know, baby. I know,” a deep breath. “When I saw you like that, your life escaping your body, I felt this surge of strength within me and it was like I materialised. I could touch things and move things and so I ran to you, lay you on your side and made you vomit and you came back to life and I… I just felt so, so relieved, but then it was gone again, all of a sudden. I wasn’t physical anymore.

“I thought you would be fine and that you would seek help, but you didn’t and instead you tried to kill yourself again the second you woke up and I just felt so lost and useless until I saw the blood turning the water red and the guilt, the anger, the desperation made me materialise again and, well… the rest you know,” Alec finished.

“Aw, darling… I never blamed you. When I fell in love with you, I knew I would lose you eventually. However, that knowledge didn’t prepare to lose you any more than the lack of it would have and I’m sorry I disrupted your peace in afterlife,” Magnus said with a sad laugh. That had been on his mind for a while, how this disrupted his husband’s after life. He was supposed to be in heaven, with the angels and the other Shadowhunters, not stuck here with a depressed husband.

“I just need you to know that, if I could, I would make everything different. I would become a vampire or sell my soul to a demon for my immortality. I would do anything to stay with you forever. I just need to make sure-" Magnus was crying silently, listening to those reverent words when Alec was cut out and the woman was back, her eyes back to normal. He could no longer feel Alec's presence in the room and his heart broke. Deep down, he knew what it meant, but his aching heart fogged his brain and left him confused.

“What happened? Where is my husband?” he asked the woman desperately. 

“I have no idea. He was pulled back. I lost him,” the woman replied, confusion written all over her face. 

Magnus felt like throwin up. His heart was on his throat and he couldn’t breath anymore. He felt himself faint of heartache and then he hit the floor, fainting from lack of oxygen. Or maybe it was from the lack of his Alexander. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me! Last chapter will be the last of part 1, so don't kill me before I write it, please!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus suffers a bit more, but then he is rewarded with what he wanted, finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of part 1.  
Mention of suicide.

Magnus had fallen asleep on the couch after spending the day drinking and crying, the way he had done during the week of Alec's death for the last 4 years.

Since the day he had gone to Madame Dorothea to talk to Alexander, Magnus has been living in a world of darkness, but he tried as hard as possible to keep his life normal, the way it was when his husband's spirit was around, because he knew that’s what he would want for him and, without the weight of guilt, it was somehow easier.

The day Magnus lost Alec again, the day they went with Tessa to London, was the day Jace died and even though he had no idea how heaven worked, he thought the logical explanation was that we was summoned back to welcome Jace into heaven.

At first, it was really hard to accept his husband was gone and Magnus went to sleep every night hoping he would be back in the morning, but he never was. He hoped he would at least feel his presence in the loft, but he never did. He had gone as far as visiting Madame Dorothea again a few months after the first time to be sure that Alec was not there at all. He wasn’t and this loss was not any easier to accept than his death.

Magnus considered taking his own life many times in the past four years, but he always found that the hope his Shadowhunter would come back spoke louder than the rest. Until the begging of the month.

It was the 9th of August and it was the 30th birthday of the Alec's death. For the last two weeks Magnus has been planning his way to celebrate this day. He would celebrate the way he always did: by having dinner with the kids at the restaurant they went the night before Alec died. It was not much, but it was their ritual and they would be doing it for the 30th time tonight.

That was the usual, their routine for this day. What wasn’t routine, was what Magnus was planning to do next: to go to Brooklyn Bridge and jump. This could result in two things – his death, or Alec's return. He was fine with either result. All he wanted was the pain to end.

He had managed to keep his shit together for 4 years after he lost his husband for the second time, but he couldn’t do it anymore.

His heart was not broken anymore, he felt like it had vanished, like it was ripped from his chest, stomped on, put back on his chest and then ripped out and chopped to pieces. After all this, it was hard to believe it was even still beating, but it was and Magnus resented it for that.

The warlock had a few hours before it was time for dinner and he thought he would use it to write a few goodbye letters. He wrote one for each of his boys, one for Catarina and one for Tessa. He was about to get up when he thought to write another letter and so he sat for another hour before he could write something he was satisfied with:

_My dear Alexande, _

_it’s been a while and I don’t know if you’ve been around the way you had been before, but you are not close to me anymore and I can no longer feel your love filling out the hole in my heart and I can’t live like this anymore._

_For some reason, this feels different, now – more definitive – like you’ve finally moved on from me and I think now it’s time for me to move on too. My hope is that you come back to me the way you did before, or that I go meet you in heaven, even though I’m not sure that would ever be possible. Either one of this scenarios is perfect, because having you in my life in any way is better than not having you at all._

_If my death does not result in me going to heaven, I want you to know I’m still fine with dying and none of this is your fault. I blame you for nothing!_

_Know that I love you with all my heart and never in a million years would I be able to give my heart to someone else, because you took it with you when you left and that’s fine. I wish we had had more time, but the years I had with you were the best of my life and I wouldn’t change them for anything in the world. I was numb for so long before I met you, but your love changed me and I could never go back to the way I used to be._

_I am yours. Always yours. Forever yours, no matter what tonight brings._

_With all my love,_  
You husband.

There were no tears in his eyes and he did not feel more broken than before. He was sure he would die and he was fine with it. It was what he wanted and he was ready to welcome death as an old friend. It was time.

He was about to get a bath running when his phone rang.

“Hey, Isabelle, dear. How have you been?” He answered with a smile.

“Hum… Magnus…” She hesitated, “something strange happened and I need you to come to the institute immediately.” She didn’t wait for his answer before hanging up.

With a snap of his fingers he was dressed in his most impressing and form-fitting outfit and with a flourished, round movement of hands, he created a portal to the institute, directly to the office that was once Alec's.

Isabelle was waiting for him with her back to the door and looking at the portal he was coming out of. Her expression was frozen, but her eyes showed a hint of caution and Magnus was automatically worried. She had aged well and her face hadn’t changed much except for the normal signs of age. She had wrinkled, but hair was still perfectly waved, a little weaker, but kept the same dark brown with hair dye. She was still a beautiful woman, the same way Alec would be a beautiful man if he was still alive.

“Hi, Magnus,” she said with a small smile.

“Hello, dear. How are you? You look stunning as ever.”

“So do you, Magnus, as always.” She paused looking at him, as if studying him, as if trying to see through him. He cocked his head and kept eye contact.

“What is going on? Is everyone alright? Do you need something?” Magnus asked worried. Isabelle was always straightforward, this was not normal of her and it left him uneasy.

“Yes, everyone is alright and I guess I do need something, but I think it’s something good. I’m not sure. I don’t even know how to explain it.” She took a deep breath. “So, I know you know what day is today and I know what day is today and I went to Alec's old room, like I do every year, and I found something,” she told him before she was quiet for a couple minutes trying to find the words to say. Magnus did not press her, giving her the time she needed.

“I don’t know how to even start to explain this, Magnus, so I’m just going to show it to you,” Izzy looked at him standing in the middle of the room and furrowed her brows. “I think you better take a sit.”

“I'm fine like this. Just show me, Isabelle. You’re making me nervous.” She nodded and turned to open the door.

In came Clary, all dressed in black, but with a big smile on her lips that Magnus tried to return amidst his worry. After her, came in a tall, dark and handsome man. 

Magnus fell to his knees, not believing what his eyes were seeing and the tears started flowing freely down his cheeks. He had a hand over his mouth in disbelief and he felt his chest about to burst.

“Alexander?”

Alec’s cheeks turned pink and he looked to his shoes with a shy smile on his lips, “that’s my husband?” He asked Clary.

“Mhm,” she confirmed with a smile.

“How did I manage to hook such a perfect man?” He asked looking at Magnus through his lashes. The warlock’s heart soared and he felt completely and utterly happy, releasing what sounded like a laugh mixed with a sob. If his husband thought he was perfect in this state, there was no doubt he was his Alexander.

“I recall he got a harder time hooking you than the other way around,” Clary replied with a laugh.

Alec looked at her shocked, “what do you mean?”

“Well, let’s say gay Shadowhunters were not very well treated at the time. Until you changed that, that is,” Isabelle replied with a proud smile on her lips.

“I changed it?” Alec asked incredulous.

Magnus got up and walked up to his husband, looking him in the eyes. With a hand levitating over Alec's heart, he said, “you changed so much for people like us, my dear.” Alec's breath hitched. “You changed so much in this world and could have done so much more if you’ve had more time.”

The shadowhunter looked down with a shy smile.

“That reminds me,” Isabelle said taking a paper out of her back pocket. The outside of the envelope read 'For Magnus Bane'.

“He had this with him. It’s Jace's handwriting.”

Magnus took the envelope without taking his eyes of his husband, still having a hard time believing he was really there. When he had no other choice, he looked down to open it and read aloud.

“_Hey, guys._

_Heaven is pretty dole and, as expected, as soon as I got here, I got bored to death, so I came up with a plan to send Alec back to earth because he was being a pain in my ass. Just kidding. He was sad. Very sad. So I thought: I am fine here and I know some day my dear wife will come join me and that will make me happy (not that I want her to die), so it is only fair Alec gets to be with his husband too._

_“We may or may not (we definitely did) have broken a few (or rather a lot – like over a thousand) laws, but if you’re reading this, it’s because we succeeded. Alec may not remember much, but he will be himself still – we spent the last four years making sure we planned every single detail. Sorry, Magnus, that I took him away from you for this long, but we couldn’t plan this faster and take the risk of making a mistake. I hope him being back by your side in the flesh makes up for the lost time. (I heard real sex is better than ghost sex_,)” Magnus laughed out loud, ignoring the quizzical looks Clary and Isabelle sent in his direction. He would have time to explain later. Alec was still looking at his shoes, the blush spreading to the tip of his ears.

Magnus continued, “_I_ _hope you two get the chance that was taken from you to live a long and happy life together. Take care of my brother, Magnus, and enjoy this second chance. Alec asked me to write that he loves you, even if he doesn’t remember who you are._

_“You’re welcome,_  
_“The most handsomest Shadowhunter to ever shadow hunt.”_

All four of them laughed. Jace would never stop being Jace.

Magnus looked at his husband, who seemed to be too overwhelmed to look at him. With the tip of his thumb and index, he caressed his chin and pulled his face up.

“Can I kiss you?” Magnus whispered. Alec's eyes went wide.

“You want to kiss me?” The taller one asked incredulous. 

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for decades, darling,” the Warlock replied with a satisfied smile. Having Alexander back like this, the way he used to be when they fell in love was too much for his beaten heart. He loved the innocence of it.

“Well… I would never say no to a kiss from a man as beautiful as you,” he replied with a wide smile, already beginning to lean down.

Magnus put his arms around his man's neck and pulled him down the rest of the way in a sweet kiss. His lower lip fit perfectly between Alec's lips and he just wanted to stay there forever.

However, Alec gasped and pulled back. “Magnus, baby!” The spark of recognition in the Shadowhunter's eyes was unmistakable when Magnus looked into them. Then, there were strong hands fisted in the lapels of his jacket and he was being kissed fiercely with an almost bruising force, but he didn’t mind and fisted his hand into Alec's hair, pulling him closer, kissing him more strongly. His man was back. Magnus was whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 is over, let me know how you liked it in the comments.
> 
> I have a part 2 planned out, but there will be angst. A lot of it! Are you interested in reading more? Let me know if you want more


End file.
